Realistic

Okay so by this time next year i want to be able to complete the following things:

• Get my drivers licence
• Complete my AS course at Liverpool and start getting ready for my A level course
• Be finishing Camp America, or if i dont get on that, to be returning from a summer away doing something constructive
• Have my house fully decorated and organised
• Attend a convention
• Have a job

 Let's hope that this year is going to be good!

what?

When did life become crying yourself to sleep at night? When did doing something life changing make everything so much harder? why did a uterus have to be so messed up?
I literally have no idea what I actually want to do. I can go aupairing in a different country for upto 2 years. But the only good thing would be staying in a new place and its not guaranteed for two years. I could stay volunteering and go germany for 3 months and see what happens next. or i can carry on this plan and go bak to college for 2 years. I chose this for my family. people who are blood related who wated to me stay because they missed me. Yet how come ive seen them once? and another member 4 times. how come i am the one that has requested this and how come it was me who arranged these? No one even bothered to check if i was okay with things. no one even bothered that I had to go to hospital. They've seen a man, a man who commited such an awful crime, the amount of times that they've seen me, yet they want to accept him into the family.

When did life become this? surely its meant to get a bit easier?

Things in my life

So i haven't blogged in such a long time; main reason i didn't have Internet access that much. Today has been a day of thought. I'm in a place in life where I have life changing decisions to make. Do I carry on and study? Do i travel more? Do I work abroad? Even though I think I've made up my mind, there's still bits of me that want to go on more adventures. I know people say we have our whole life for adventure, which we do, but there's parts of me that think hen marriage comes around, especially with children, life is going to be a lot tougher to have adventures. So the argument comes in to not get married until a later age; I don't want to do that. I want to have the family, after my mission, where we have family home evening, and I can have that board where it says who is doing the lesson and what not. I realise that this may not make sense to everyone but I will explain at a later date. I realise that I may sound pathetic saying this, but these realisations make me realise that I know what I want in life.
Since having my Patriarchal blessing, I read over it quite often. Each time I read it I realise how blessed I am to have it in my life. Even though it isn't always easy, I know what I want, I just need the faith to get me there.
I feel like such a teenage girl right now. Having a stupid crush on someone that cant happen, yet. I say yet as i hope, but then doesn't everyone? I cant even write to much on this because it will make it stupidly obvious and we'll just have to wait really. wait, such a sad word. I miss this person a heck of a lot though. Its hard not knowing things. I felt like life was good, and things were a lot easier to understand with them around. Every time i see them I get so happy and i just feel like for once the world is right. However, when I saw them this time things were different. I wasn't THAT apprehensive about seeing them. Usually I get way stupid and go through illogical scenarios in my head, but this time it just felt natural to go see this person. I know it sounds stupid but I'm only a teenager for another year and a bit, so I'm allowed right?  but i will just have to wait.

But mission. I so badly want to serve a mission. I know that i want the perfect family, but that can wait until after my mission. After all i will have hopefully finished my mission in three and a half years. that makes life exciting! :) Ive started to go through preach my gospel and get familiar with the scriptures; hopefully this will help a lot.
I know life wont be easy by any stretch, but I hope it gets a tad easier than what it has been! I've gotten into three colleges since being back. so hopefully my route is education. this does make me happy, a lot :)

so yeah after much moaning i think sleep should be in order, after a read of more scriptures.