Realistic

Okay so by this time next year i want to be able to complete the following things:

• Get my drivers licence
• Complete my AS course at Liverpool and start getting ready for my A level course
• Be finishing Camp America, or if i dont get on that, to be returning from a summer away doing something constructive
• Have my house fully decorated and organised
• Attend a convention
• Have a job

 Let's hope that this year is going to be good!

what?

When did life become crying yourself to sleep at night? When did doing something life changing make everything so much harder? why did a uterus have to be so messed up?
I literally have no idea what I actually want to do. I can go aupairing in a different country for upto 2 years. But the only good thing would be staying in a new place and its not guaranteed for two years. I could stay volunteering and go germany for 3 months and see what happens next. or i can carry on this plan and go bak to college for 2 years. I chose this for my family. people who are blood related who wated to me stay because they missed me. Yet how come ive seen them once? and another member 4 times. how come i am the one that has requested this and how come it was me who arranged these? No one even bothered to check if i was okay with things. no one even bothered that I had to go to hospital. They've seen a man, a man who commited such an awful crime, the amount of times that they've seen me, yet they want to accept him into the family.

When did life become this? surely its meant to get a bit easier?

Things in my life

So i haven't blogged in such a long time; main reason i didn't have Internet access that much. Today has been a day of thought. I'm in a place in life where I have life changing decisions to make. Do I carry on and study? Do i travel more? Do I work abroad? Even though I think I've made up my mind, there's still bits of me that want to go on more adventures. I know people say we have our whole life for adventure, which we do, but there's parts of me that think hen marriage comes around, especially with children, life is going to be a lot tougher to have adventures. So the argument comes in to not get married until a later age; I don't want to do that. I want to have the family, after my mission, where we have family home evening, and I can have that board where it says who is doing the lesson and what not. I realise that this may not make sense to everyone but I will explain at a later date. I realise that I may sound pathetic saying this, but these realisations make me realise that I know what I want in life.
Since having my Patriarchal blessing, I read over it quite often. Each time I read it I realise how blessed I am to have it in my life. Even though it isn't always easy, I know what I want, I just need the faith to get me there.
I feel like such a teenage girl right now. Having a stupid crush on someone that cant happen, yet. I say yet as i hope, but then doesn't everyone? I cant even write to much on this because it will make it stupidly obvious and we'll just have to wait really. wait, such a sad word. I miss this person a heck of a lot though. Its hard not knowing things. I felt like life was good, and things were a lot easier to understand with them around. Every time i see them I get so happy and i just feel like for once the world is right. However, when I saw them this time things were different. I wasn't THAT apprehensive about seeing them. Usually I get way stupid and go through illogical scenarios in my head, but this time it just felt natural to go see this person. I know it sounds stupid but I'm only a teenager for another year and a bit, so I'm allowed right?  but i will just have to wait.

But mission. I so badly want to serve a mission. I know that i want the perfect family, but that can wait until after my mission. After all i will have hopefully finished my mission in three and a half years. that makes life exciting! :) Ive started to go through preach my gospel and get familiar with the scriptures; hopefully this will help a lot.
I know life wont be easy by any stretch, but I hope it gets a tad easier than what it has been! I've gotten into three colleges since being back. so hopefully my route is education. this does make me happy, a lot :)

so yeah after much moaning i think sleep should be in order, after a read of more scriptures.

You mean the world to me

Okay so this blog is basically a moaning blog, and it could offend a few people but to be honest it's a blog and it's meant to portray what I feel, right?

Okay so it's 8 days until i go, which really makes me happy! I just wish some other people would be happy too. So I have a family that I love to pieces but its always me that has to make the effort to see people, not ith all my family, just a large proportion and this makes me sad. I arranged to see some family members over the week so that I can actually see them before I go away, but do they answer my calls or texts? no. Like i make the effort to actually see them, I'm travelling to them, but no this doesn't make a difference. So I have decided that I shall wait for them to contact me. If they don't, well then i don't particularly care :) It seems harsh but why should I do all the running around?

Saying this, especially YSA, people have been actually asking how things are going and actually saying that they're going to miss me, not even my family have said this. But it just makes me so happy to actually have amazing people in my life right now, people that actually care and people that make my days! :) I do love all the people on my life, it would just be nice if I wasn't doing all the running around all the time! But hey it's only 8 days then the concern is what am i going to do with potentially pooing in the ground! nice eh? ;)

But yeah this is my rant over :) I am now going to have a nice soak and do a bit of tidying before my day with Jade tomorrow! :)

My life would suck without you

I don't even know why I have names this post this, but It just came into m head.
I don't even know what I'm actually going to write about so lets see where this goes!
So today I received a patriarchal blessing. for those who don't know what this is, its a Blessing from our Heavenly father guiding us with our , if we follow and keep His commandments. For me its a guideline of my life, things that I will do with my life. That is probably one of the worst explanation of it, but hey I'm tired. It was nice to hear the things that were said today, and to know that Heavenly father contacted me through such an amazing man, made me feel special.

Not knowing where I was going in my life was pretty hard, and I still don't really know, but at least I have the guidelines and the promises that I want for my life.

I love the people around me so much lately. They mean so much to me. However, I am looking forward to meeting new people whilst I'm away.

This post pretty much sucks, but hey, my life would suck without a lot people, and theres some people that I want for the rest of my life.

You Give Me Inspiration

Okay so there is only 16 days until I leave, which means 16 days until I can send this letter! I didn't even think about sending one until October, but after a request and being allowed why not?! I realised that not a lot of people will have any idea what I'm talking about but writing this is just making me so happy! :) I don't know if there is any reasoning behind this request but there's a lot  of me hoping that there is :)
But every time I feel 'low' or away just a little message, obviously that cant be read until the return, but like just writing them gives me inspiration that I can actually do this! I know that this is sounding really gay right now but everything about this makes me happy!
After re thinking everything that happened I just want these two weeks to fly by!, well not totally as I'm going to miss a lot of people! But a reply is what I'm wanting more than anything! :) just the words 'yes to everything' would be amazing :) :) but yeahhhhhh i totally don't know what else to write on this so I shall end!

Never give up on that one thing you want the most; nothing is impossible!

For us, there will be a Sunday

Whilst sat in Relief Society today this saying was said: 'For us there will be a Sunday'. This really stuck out for me. We were discussing how we, as Mormon's, will always have a Sunday where we can come and renew our covenant by the partaking of the sacrament. We know that everyday can be a different day, we can find a day really pleasant with no trials, or we can find a day one of the hardest that we've ever faced; but we know that on the Sunday we can renew ourselves.
Someone once said to me that why should I live my day in regret with the feel for repentance when you do wrong. I pondered this a while, and today I finally came up with a comeback, which is: How can a person expect to run and finish a marathon if they haven't trained? I know that isn't the best comeback, but for me it’s how I feel. If I do wrong I want to repent and become like my Heavenly father because I want to return to be with him one day. I'm not asking anyone else to do this; it's something that I want to do. In life I have multiple goals and returning to live in the Celestial Kingdom is one of mine. It means a lot for me to know this. 

As I woke this morning I realised that I haven't gotten an Easter egg, mainly because I ate mine the other day, but I felt a little saddened by this fact. However, as I reached the church I realised that Easter is so much more than getting chocolate; it's about our Saviour. I have never celebrated Easter before from a religious point of view; it's all new to me. So today it was really nice to be able to listen to the words that were spoken about our Saviour and the things that He did for us. In my Sunday school class today Jason asked a very simple question, which was: do you believe that Jesus loves you every day (or something along those lines) my first reaction was obviously yes I do believe that, but after a little discussion I realised that I didn't know that. I know that Jesus loved us so much that He suffered for all our sins in the Garden of Gethsemane, and that he endured the sufferings of being crucified for us, but I didn't really think about what he does for us today. For me he works with the Gift of the Holy Ghost, a spirit that lives inside of me to guide me and give me blessings. I am eternally grateful for this because it gives me that Testimony that my Saviour lives. 

Upon leaving church today my Sunday school teacher (I went into a different class) gave me an Easter lamb chocolate that had this message on the back: "Come now, and let us reason together," saith the Lord: "though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they be red like crimson, they shall be as wool." Isaiah 1:18

That really summed up my thoughts today. I am eternally grateful for the Gospel in my life, and going to church today made me realise this

Respect

Okay so as I have been brought up I have always been told that I should have respect for everyone, not just my Elders. hahaha lol at the fact I put Elders in capitals. Anyway, lately I have been noticing the lack of respect people have for others around them. I volunteer for a charity and ever since I've been a young person for them we have always been told to respect our boats because they're ours are we want them to look nice. In addition, to always be well behaved when we are out, such as no swearing or cussing, no arguments or fights, simple things really, when we are out as we are representing our charity and we always want to look good :) Over these past few months I have seen this slip, not only within our charity, but others as well.
In our area lately, a building got refurbished for the young people in our community. So far it hasn't been that bad of a turn out but today when I went to work in there the place was a state! the chairs were ripped and drawn all over, the young people had taken the food that we had and smashed them all over the floor; t was a disgrace. The thing is though it isn't all the young people's fault. Yes they are responsible for what they do but a lot of it is through sheer boredom. After analysing the situation today I noticed that the younger ones get all the activities (even they were hard today) yet the older ones just get left. I suggested some ideas but someone their age said that they wanted to just chill; i felt old. I talked to the youth workers and asked them why they didn't make the young people clean up, to which one replied: 'try making them, and they will' I as outraged by this. I made some people help me, but they put on a front at first. It feels so weird to think what the young people must be thinking! but I am working again on Tuesday so we shall see what plans I can come up with then! :)

But ahhhhh only 20 days to go! Then I get to see what the youth are like in Zambia! ahh! :D

just waiting

I have 20 days to wait, that is all. 20 days to send a letter, 20 days to fly to Zambia. 20 days to have three months away, some people I'm going to miss, others I'm glad to have this breathing space. I'm sick of mixed messages, or people wanting to know things for their personal gain no matter who they hurt. Eurgh.

but 20 days until i start on a whole new chapter. Excitement isn't the word.

Crying

Eurgh currently sat here crying. Not because something horrible has happened, just because I'm a woman. Its currently three weeks until i go away and am i prepared? I'm Mormon of course I'm not. But it's starting to really sink in that I'm actually going to be away. I'm more than half way through my jabs, all my paper work is done, started getting odd bits; its unreal. Even though its three weeks a lot can happen. My uncle, who is basically my dad, took very ill so its been a whirlwind to how ill he actually got which depends on whether I go, but it looks like he's getting better and should be home soon :D But hopefully things will stay on track and I should be on my way! :)
but whats made me cry is leaving people. I know its only three months but a lot can happen in three months; a lot can happen in three days. There's people that I talk to every single day, people that make me happy all the time, I wont be able to do this when I'm away.

This is only short again because I'm tired and in desperate need of sleep. Plus i stopped crying when my friend skyped me! so all is Good :D

Goodnight :) x

Saying What You Mean

Isn't it annoying when people say stuff that they don't mean, or they say it when they're drunk? It's like argh don't say things, especially things where you think 'i really don't care what you say' but when you think this you feel harsh; It makes me feel angry! But yeah I love straight talking people, why can't everyone talk like this? Life would be so much easier if people did this. Like classic example:
boy: Oh yeah so I'm going out with 'insert random girls name' tonight
girl: oh right I'm talking to 'insert random boys name' now and he's said this
boy: oh well we're going to do this
girl: oh
boy: so do you want to do anything
girl: yeah sure

surely this would have been a much less stressful conversation if the guy or girl would have just asked?
eurgh.

But yeah rant over! Well it's not really a rant, just a message that I don't care what certain people say. I don't mean this in a harsh way but when people send you mixed messages you're like, i don't careeee!

but less then a month to Zambia! exciting isn't the word!!

Missionaries

Okay so I havent blogged in like forever! But today I have a positive thing to actually blog about! Lately things havent gone too smoothly. Theres been countless people telling me that my religion is fake, and that its a cult, and that I need to use reason and throwing in temptations such as alcohol and other things. Its also been a shock of not having the missionaries, and someone i would count as an amazing friend around me constantly. Today I had my first proper missionary meeting since Elder Jackson left, which was pretty substantial. Elder Jackson was with me straight after I was baptised up until a few weeks ago. I mainly had daily contact, but i spoke to him every single week without fail. So yeah it's safe to say that it's hard that he's gone. But i am ever so blessed to have amazing friends around me that help me a lot :).

Okay so this is a draft that I am going to finish off :)

I requested to see the missionaries the other day and it was probably the best thing that I have done.I was a bit apprehensive since Elder Jackson left but It was exactly what I needed :) Just learning things about the Missionaries is amazing. I like how I am abe to relate to some of their barriers and how they have gotten through them and how they can help out with mine. I also saw them again after that, but it was a chat with my sister and then whe she went it was a chat about how things are going etc. It was really good :) They are such amazing people :)

The Last Month

Okay so I am officially in the last month of preparing for Zambia. How's that going you may ask? A snail would beat me in the race. However I have officially started getting my injections, I only have 7 to go! :) all my forms have been sent off, well my visa is getting sent off today, and then its just getting things to pack... I'm currently sat in my aunt's house with her giving me a lecture on leaving things to last minute;I'm Mormon, that isn't going to change :) But yeah I do need to get my bottom into gear with getting stuff :) There's so much, yet so little that I need and to be perfectly honest, it isn't totally real to me yet. However I have been given baby clothes to bring over with me, which is really good :D I don't really know what else to say really. Its scary that it is i the 20's considering I have been counting for 64 days, but lets face it, I waited for 168 days for a Taylor Swift concert ;)
One thing that is going to be really hard is the fact that I am going to be away from my friends for a long time. I have been distancing from them slightly, yet getting close with others -_- But it's only for three months! it's going to go so quickly! I do however feel a lot better since I have gotten my injections now :) :) But 29 days to go! :) A little bit excited would be a lie! one thing that I am really grateful for is being able to actually keep my flat. others are having to move out and then move back in with their parents etc, I am glad that I can keep my flat and that my landlord is a top guy! :) But yeah, I need to get my act into gear with buying stuff and whatnot! :)

People

I love people. I know that may seem a bit weird saying that but I really do. Every single person is different, even if they're identical twins. I love meeting new people, especially people that have crazy amounts of energy! But what I love most about people is when you feel like you know something and they turn around and add a new bit of information and you're like wow.

Over the past few days I've been talking to a boy, not in that way, just as friends and I was really surprised with his outlooks on children. At this moment I am watching one born every minute and i am getting ever so freaked out by this show and child birth in general. It also doesn't help how people are telling me all the horrible stories about birth. So i was basically I was complaining about birth and I was really shocked with his answer. Further conversations went on where he said that he wanted 12 kids! he definitely isn't marrying me! but i was just so shocked with this. Not in a bad way.
but one conversation that has shocked me is where I thought that someone was one of the strongest people I know. He is amazing (it looks like i just talk to boys but i don't), like really amazing and to see that he feels like he has major flaws makes me sad. This person is inspirational to me, and i hold him in shining light.

so everyone who reads this. Remember that no one is like you so no one can judge you, apart from Heavenly Father obviously, but the decisions you make or are put into make you who you are. A Jessie J song would fit perfectly in this! so don't be afraid to be who you are!

Emotions like a washing machine

 

Okay so this picture is the main reason for a lot of my emotions lately. I hate feeling emotional it annoys me. Don't get me wrong I'm not sad sad, I'm more curious and tired with the longing to find out as much as I can about my brothers. 

Today I spent time with my sister, aunt and uncle. It was a great day as my amazing sister turned 21 :) officially older enough to serve a mission; pity she isn't Mormon! anyway so today we decided to visit the grave, because it brings us joy to be close to them, well it brings me joy. Today I learnt a lot about my brothers, things that saddened me. One of the things my uncle told me was how he became close to my brother Bernard after Ian died. And how Bernard struggled with it a lot. But when they thought that he had gotten over the worst of it; he went and joined him. 

I don't know what I would do if I ever lost my sister Rachel. She is so important to me. I just wish I was older so that I could have felt these feelings and helped him. 

Sad part over. I feel that I need to know something. I have this longing to know more about them, to feel them again. I cant grasp this feeling I have but i feel so peaceful when I'm at their grave; i like being close. Some people reading this will wonder why, as I was so young when they died. The answer to that would be because they share the same blood as me. Every memory I have of them is good. I love my siblings a lot. I really don't know what I would do without them <3

10 Years and Emotions

Okay so this post may seem a bit 'dreary' but Im writing this completely happy :) Today will be a whole decade since my brother Bernard past away. This obviously makes me a little sad knowing that he isnt here, but it's all peas and gravy as i get to spend eternity with him! :) Even though I know this i cant help think that its contributing to the fact that Ive been feeling stupidly emotional. This annoys me a lot as I hate feeling like I want to cry. I mean I cry when i need to but theres nothing to cry over! its so weird!
However yesterday I went to Mission President's house and saw such amazing people. Its really hard to describe it but it has to be one of my favourite places on earth. I also got to see someone that I have been missing so much recently. It really messed my head up, but in a good way! :) which sounds totally bizarre but yeah.

I have loved these past few days a lot and today I plan on spending it remembering what a great brother i have :)

Pretty Darn Good

On my bus journey back home, I came to the conclusion that I feel amazing. I have a lot of reasons to feel amazing lately, which makes me very happy. One of the main reasons is obviously Zambia. 3 months away doing hat I love doing! :) But another pretty big reason is for once in my life I'm not caught up on a boy. Some people could view this as a negative but don't you just hate it when you start to like someone so you spend a little extra time talking to them and just involving your life around them? if you're like me then you definitely do this! But that's what I hate about liking people. I can't just like someone a little bit, I have to like them a lot. But right now I don't like anyone like that. It could be that I have actually drummed it into me that I am going to be away for 3 months so there's no point but actually right now no one interests me at all. this isn't to say that people aren't interesting, but yeah i just don't. this makes me super happy! yes obviously it would be nice to have that 'special' someone who comes around for hugs and is just there, well at the moment that is the beautiful Jade Stonely for me! okay we don't cuddle but seeing and talking to this girl makes me 100% happy :D so yeah happy day! PS its only 56 days!!!

The weekend 2!

Okay so the second day we looked at cultural awareness. This was major shock to me and I think everyone. One thing that really stood out to me was the concept that I had. I thought that because I was going to a different county shorts a t-shirts would suffice; I was so wrong. I didn't think about what local people wore, that they actually have jobs and care about their experiences. writing this seems a little stupid but how many people think 'im going away doesn't really matter how I look?' if not then ooops. But that made me realise that the people we will be working with are going to be people just like anyone and we will be fully submerged into their life! I really think that the cultural difference will matter a lot because I am already missing the amazing people that I spent the weekend with, never mind 3 months!
We also got to act a lot more on this day,! we got to do a mock trial ish which was really fun! We had to look at people's views on ICS on whether what ICS are doing is actually good. For this I was the prosecutor that ICS was a bad thing, that actually the money would be spent better elsewhere. This as a really interesting concept and it was mad to think that people actually thought that the money would be better spent elsewhere. I really believe that ICS is a really good organisation that is planning on doing the best for development.
After this we looked at health, well it was actually before this! This really scared me. I am already scared of needles so that pretty much freaked me out! But I'm able to prepare for a lot :D

Then we looked at things to do with safety and all that jazz :) yet again scared me but it made me happy :) as it was the last night everyone decided to go out, apart from a few of us! we took hole of this to play hide and seek! you're probably thinking that that is silly, but it was so good! because the building was massive and used to be a hospital, nunnery, part school and other stuff it was stupidly scary. I ended up hiding in a bath with james :D this was stupidly fun! :) so yeah this was fun! we stayed up til like half 3 playing games :)

then the last day we done individual placements. This made me so excited because i thought i knew exactly what i was doing; yep i was wrong. All i know is that my placement will be working with young people :D this makes me really happy! :D Even though we aren't too sure about sanitation and that it makes me happy! :) In Zambia i will be paired up with another English fellow then paired up with a Zambian pair! then off we go to a family or home! this is after 10 days of intense training! Just thinking about it is making me tired! but I am so glad to be doing it!

This weekend!

Okay so this weekend has been one of the best weekends of my life! And that is no exaggeration. I travelled to Birmingham to take part in my training for Zambia.
I met the people who I was travelling with to Birmingham at the train station and then got on the train! This journey was fun in itself! it was really nice to meet the people as they were so funny! As I already knew one its as nice to have a much needed catch up :)
when we got to the Harbourne hall, a place i highly recommend staying, we were greeted by a group of 4 people. we immediately introduced ourselves and never really left their sides! after about an hour a lot of people arrived and it was nice to meet the people I met at my interview day and also the new people! The first day we just done a few 'get to know' games and a brief introduction of the days. We were then able to chill! We all decided to go down to the local pub! this was a really weird concept for me as I don't generally go to pubs and we were actually allowed off site! The only catch with going to the pub was we had to walk through a graveyard; after watching women in black this was not a good idea! But everyone we met was so friendly and such amazing people!
So the next day kicked off with some people feeling a little worse for wear; this was hilarious! we started off with looking at development overall and what we though development was. We done a few activities looking at sustainability and our views on this. Throughout this day we got to know people more and also broaden our knowledge on the subject.

Then that night everyone tended to chill apart from a few guys that went out to celebrate a birthday! it was a good evening to chill and watch harry potter ;D I shall do another post on the next few days as i realised this is a tad long!

it's becoming real!

Okay so over the past 2 days I have found out that I will be travelling to Zambia and that I will be leaving on the 26th of April. My emotions on this is soooo mixed! i am so excited to be going, like jumping off the ceiling excited, yet the realisation has set in that I'm actually going! i know that 3 months isn't a very long time, but when you speak to someone every single day and it will be restricted it becomes a fairly long time. I think once I have my injections out the way I will be a lot happier, like a heck of a lot happier! :)
it makes me happy though that this year isn't going to be wasted. People keep saying to me that I've wasted this year with dropping out of college etc, but I don't see it like that. This year I have learnt what I want to do in life, and I'm doing something pretty amazing with it now :)

One thing that is going to be hard is leaving some people. One of the hardest will be Becky. I honestly don't know what i would do without Becky at all. She has been my rock these past few years. And everyone as YSA, I wont be seeing these guys for ages! some 5 whole months! what is this deal?!! I will miss these guys a lot! <3

Rest In Peace

So today would have been my two brothers, Bernard and Ian's 39th birthday :). It's weird as this is the first time that i have actually been sad. Which people may think that I'm weird because Ive never mourned the loss of my brothers, but I know that I am going to see them again, plus they died when I was pretty young. However I do have very fond memories of them as after all they are my brothers. It's weird to think that m brother Bernard would have died 10 years ago this March; how time flies. I often think what life would be like if they were still around.
One memory I do have of my brother Ian is when I used to live with my birth parents. It must have been a birthday as I remember a lot of family being around. I was playing with a paper flower shop. But Ian was there and it was nice.The only other time I vividly remember with Ian was his death. I remember going to see him and ambulances being there. My birth mother as crying and being taken back by a police officer. This memory isn't the nicest memory, but its a memory i cherish as i don't have many memories with him.
I know that I am going to see my brothers again and I will spend eternity with them. For this I am so grateful

Words Of Inspiration

Okay so today I was blessed to be able to listen to the Priesthood meeting. I only listened to half of it, but the words that I listened to really inspired me. One speaker that really spoke out to me was president King. He just captivates me when he speaks. An amazing girl called Nic said that she could listen to him for hours; this is so true. The stories he told, really close stories, just opened my mind up to so many questions and possibilities. When I look at his family i see sincere love. It spreads warmth and joy. I sound so crazy right now but when words of another takes hold of your heart, expressing it through words is such a hard task!
Priesthood meeting is so different to Relief Society. I don't even know why it is different, it just is. Its was amazing to just hear the words.
Another person who stood out to me today but in sacrament meeting was Brother Barnaby Dickinson. His stories are always funny and he is such an amazing speaker, but his words and questions really made me think today. I never viewed downloading stuff as stealing, but it totally is! And just other words really comforted me.
So such an inspirational day! hopefully a good week shall follow!

mixed

So these past few days have just been a stream of awesome people! I have had lovely evenings with people that mean a lot to me :)

I know that I should write a super long blog but I am far too tired! I just wanted to blog though. But the realisation has set in that I need to start getting ready for my trip. I have needles that I need to get I have packing that needs to be done, I have clothes that I need to buy. Okay i looking forward to everything minus the needles! If they knocked me out I would be so happy! they can give me whatever then! I just really cant do them! thinking about it makes my arms literally hurt! I know people say just look away but I cant do that!! :( this makes me sad!

However on friday I am travelling to Birmingham to do a training week with them! this is really exciting as i get to meet the people again and I get to know where Im going and what Im actually doing! this makes kayla happy! :)

:D

Okay so I wanted to do a super quick blog :) These past few days have just been magical! Like institute yet again was amazing, every time i go it makes me so much happier! :) I got accepted onto the volunteering scheme!! This was a surprise as i didn't think I was going to get it. It's just amazing to think that I can go and support people who need it :) I thought 2012 was going to be a bit of a wasted year but so far its turning out good! My life is filled with amazing people and I just love where it's heading! I think everyone should smile today as it is a pretty awesome day! :)

confusion

Okay so this probably wont even make any sense at all, but being this confused is never good!
Yes it is about boys, but I'm a teenage girl, I'm allowed to be confused over them :)
But so I'm not giving anything away I'm going to tell it in a story format, less emotions etc..
So Once upon a time there was a princess (all my stories have princess' in) Anything this princess lived in a castle that was very busy! there were always changes with her parents redecorating and changing the staff all the time. But one day her parents opened a part of the castle so that special people could live in the castle and be safe. When the first person moved in the princess couldn't look at this person. She was confused about what made her do this. Then one day her parents threw a party and she got forced to talk to this person. She found this person a joy to be around and everything that this person done made her happy. She was always happy with this person around. She was so used to the person being around, it was a shock when this person announced that he had to leave to go visit his aunt in a town not so far, but it was in the mountains and out of range. This made her very unhappy but she knew that it was only for a short time and that she would soon see this person again. So she wrote all her feelings in a letter, but hidden in cryptic ways so that they wasn't too obvious in case the feelings weren't reciprocated. so when the time came for this person to leave she cried a lot for days. But after reading a book she decided that she was going to write letters and keep them in a box so if it ever came about that they would meet and the feelings were reciprocated then she could show him these letters.
Obviously after this person moved out another person moved in. This person was a great person. At first he as a little strange as he had a different way of living. After a while this person changed a little and the princess felt like she was able to fully be herself and just get a long with this person. But yet again this person found a big job that he too had to leave. Of course this upset the princess as she felt she was losing a close friend, one that she may never be able to see again. So she arranged a little going away party for all his friends and gave him a present. But at this party the man started to act differently. He was scared about this big job as he liked living in the castle and being surrounded by the people he has been. He told this to the princess and made the princess promise that she would never forget him no matter what. The princess promised this and looked long and hard at the man. She felt a strange thing towards him. She knew that the feelings she was having crossed the friend barrier but she also kept thinking about the first man. But the second man said that he was returning in a few days so that he could collect all of his belongings. Even so, when the man left the princess cried a lot for a few days. Counting the days til the return, she made sure that she looked presentable to finally say goodbye to a person she was unsure she was ever going to see again. But on this day the first man had returned also! the princess wasn't prepared for this at all. She was longing to see the second man to be able to say a farewell, but the second person stayed back as he knew that there were strong feelings with the first man. This really upset the princess as she wanted to be with them both equally. After a day being surrounded by these people the time finally arrived to say goodbye once more. However the second man was very distant and never said goodbye. This made the princess feel really sad as she wanted a chance to talk to this person. when the first man came over he exchanged a slow goodbye. This also made it hard for the princess as she knew how hard it was the first time to say goodbye. When the first man had said goodbye he went over and slumped into his friend that had come with him. This made it very hard for the princess as she has no idea what to think about who, and whether the feelings are even reciprocated back. So the princess must wait for a day where the truth finally reveals itself. The End.

Such a lovely and confusing story!!! 

Atmospheres

Okay so I haven't blogged for a while, I haven't really had anything to blog about :/ buttttt I finally do!!!
It all started when I was at institute on Tuesday; I just loved it! Like the atmosphere was just amazing :) The night in general just set me in a very happy mood! After a day of feeling the goodbye's it was just what I needed to make me feel happy :) It just gives me so many reasons to be happy. Like the I think what made e the happiest as when I knew what as going on! Like something happened and I saw the answer that I needed to do. Sounds weird saying I saw the answer, but it was all played in my head what I was going to do :) This has helped so much because it worked, and hopefully things will start being amazing again! But the overall atmosphere of the night made me so happy. Just talking to people that I hadn't for a while and just the overall presence of people.
This then set off my amazing Wednesday! I got to have a good day then travel to London in the evening! Some people called me crazy but I was so happy that i was able to travel there in safety! So I got into London at like 10 ish and got on the tube. It was so much fun! okay I got a little lost but I was fine! But when I got to the hotel they rejected my card! that's when i got a little scared. My bank started being a litte weird with random money going out and i knew that I only had £6 something on my card. But the man tried again and it worked! I have no idea how but it did :) A personally think it had a lot to do with Heavenly Father.
So I travelled the next day to the interview and met some amazing people! I started talking to people and had such an amazing time :) The interview seemed to go really well too! I wasn't nervous or anything :) Then group activities went really way! It made me really happy to be able to just talk to people. the group I was in really bonded and it felt that we had all known each other for ages! The comments that I got off people as well made me happy to be such a happy person!
Then I got to spend the day with my uncle :) this made me happy as I haven't seen him or my aunt is a lonnnggg time :) It made me really grateful for my family as I don't really spend as much time as I should with them and having family moment make me really happy :)
So the title was atmospheres and the atmospheres lately have just been amazing :) I love the people that I am fortunate to talk to. I just love life right now <3

Inspiration

So I actually have something to bog about today! Today I went to my first fireside with YSA, and I was just mesmerised from start to end; everything that they said mattered to me. They spoke about Patriachal blessings, something I'm hoping to get soon. They spoke about how the Devil has a way in making us think and feel. For people reading this who isn't apart of the church, I know how weird it sounds. When I joined the church I didn't think about the Devil he seemed, to me, like a fictional character that got defeated and didn't exist, but life isn't a story book. The Devil does exist, and as I'm writing this I want to almost laugh at myself, but the words that were spoken tonight were the feelings that I had been feeling; it made everything so true. It's really hard to explain how I am feeling right now but everything about tonight was just right, well give and take a few personal issues. But the way that we were dressed, I felt so grown up and I just felt that I actually belonged where I was. The people surrounding me also, are people that I just love and it amazes me that even though I meet with these amazing people twice a week, every time I talk to them or someone more, I just get a completely different feeling, a good feeling, and it's just amazes me. Also tonight was a struggle to get thee as there were complications with lifts etc, but a man called Paulo brought me in the end. Paulo is such an amazing man, he is the most kindest, generous man ever. He makes me laugh, I can talk to him about anything, he really is the dad I wish I had. Today he gave me my first quad, a book that has 4 books in. This means so much to me because a set of scriptures is such a powerful thing and he knew that I couldn't afford to get my own. I can now study the scriptures in depth and I just feel whole. It saddens me that not everyone can feel these emotions that I am feeling right now. I just want to scream about it to everyone, which coincides has now made me want to serve a mission. I say that if I'm not married by then, then I will, but I don't want to be married before then! I want to serve a mission, I want to make people feel what I feel.

These things are just amazing and the people around me are also.

Missing someone

Today has been the perfect day for thinking. A long walk in the hills in Wales with beautiful scenery is just what anyone needs! It gave me a lot of time to reflect and think about things a lot. But every time I would think of a situation I aways thought of someone. I don't know if it is because this person means a lot in my life; he gave me the greatest gift, or if because things just reminded me of him.
I have been trying to sort out a lot of stuff and putting this to the back of my mind was one. But recently it has been so hard to actually do that. When I'm feeling a little down all I want to do is talk to him, and its like what is going on?!
But because I have no idea what is going to happen, I kind of just think that I should force it to the back ad just focus on what I need to do right now and in the near future to make my plans for what I actually want to do with life. These plans are so difficult and this makes me sad. But what I want to know is what to actually do. I know that prayer comes a lot into this, and I need to sit and fully concentrate on matters. It's just a weird time but I have realised so much in a short space of time. This makes me happy to be finally rid of somethings. Now all I have to do is wait :)

Everything Happens For A Reason

So I haven't blogged for a few days, I've typed blogs but I just haven't published them. The main reason for this is because I've nothing good to blog about. Well that's a slight lie, I GOT ED SHEERAN TICKETS, well my fabulous friend Bec did. But I've been feeling ill with chest problems this week to its been a bit eurgh. So yeah after a week of not sleeping, being ill, phone breaking, getting a £300 bill, It's just been a crazy week. But tonight something substantial happened. I'm not going to say what because it's pretty raw but it made me realise something. I've realised that feelings are pretty strong, be it towards a family member, someone you like or even a complete stranger; they are powerful. I often care and grow attached to people easily, this could been seen as a fault, but I have seen people all my life with no one that actually cares for them, people who have had no one at all. This makes me sad as I have been blessed with people around me. But after I saw this thing it made me realise that when someone portrays a feeling, it can always be open to interpretation.
I set a goal saying 'tell someone how you truly feel about them'. I completed this goal but I want to change it. I want to change it to 'tell someone who cares, how you feel about them'. Unless someone tells you outright that they actually like you, instead of playing games, don't tell them how you feel. Sometimes it helps, but a lot of the time there is a lot of heartache.
But as I say everything happens for a reason. Even though tonight had a glitch in it, I still had an 'top' night with such amazing people. This is what is truly important.

I do love the amazing friends I have <3

The Influence Others Have On Us

Today at Church we were blessed to have Elder Keir (may be spelt wrong) give a talk and to also teach us when Relief Society, Priest Hood and Young Women came together. I have never came across this man before but by gosh, he is the definition of inspirational. When he first spoke the first thing that came into my head was Shrek; he's Scottish. But the words he spoke today was nothing of a fairy tale. He reached out to me with his infectious smile and the words that he spoke; he made me truly feel the Holy Ghost. Our first speaker was from President King. He spoke about how his jacket pocket are always full of notes and leaflets and personal items to hi. It made me think of the things that I carry around, not only physically but mentally as well. It's made me realise so many things :) Today I also got called to be Relief Society Music something, and to me this was a huge thing. Lately I have been thinking a few things, but when I was being set apart the words that was spoken to me really gave me the confidence and the knowledge that I needed. It's amazing how a testiony can grow over a prayer that is being said. I knew that the words which were being spoken to me was correct and was perfect. There is times like this where I am really grateful for what I have and my belief in things. Elder Keir is such an ispirational man and church had a whole new feel to it. It's something that everyone is welcome and invited to check out

Why Are Boys Confusing?

Boys?! How are we meant to spend eternity with one when we cant even understand them?! Like i just want one that doesnt play mind games and is straight forward! all these guessing games is just annoying. -_-
Why cant you just say yes or no? either one would be okay, well obvs yes would be better, but if a no i can stop all this mental hurt and annoyance over you!!! -_-

Do You Ever Feel Like You're Just Existing?

Right now I don't know how I feel. I'm not sad but I'm not happy, I'm kind of just there. It's been a weird few days. I'm at a point where the direction I want to take, just isn’t happening. I want to go places and do things but there's so much stuff I have to sort out first. Right now there isn’t any direction to where I want to go. I want to change so much but I don’t have the will power to actually do anything about it. I know that there are some things that I do have to change, just in order for some other things to fall into place.
I suppose a bit of it has to do with a boy, well he's not really a boy. But yeah he's just so rhgwuihgoriw. A straight answer would be perfectly lovely right now.

Its amazing what you feel

It's really hard for me what I can actually write on my blog. I want to write the things that I feel, but it’s hard as people will have that knowledge of you and can use it against you, it’s been done before. So I guessing that the best thing to do is get a diary and write in there, which I should probably do.

Anyway I just wanted that TV programme about online relations. If you didn’t watch it, it was basically about a 47 year old man who was playing a game online. This young girl said hi and told him that he was on a chat room for kids, so he lied about his age. And basically it went on like that for a while and it got really inappropriate. Then the man's wife found out and wrote to this girl telling her that he was an old man etc. And then this girl starts talking to this guy’s younger friend. They start dating etc., but then this girl starts talking to the old man. Things happen and it escalates to this point where this man kills his friend. The police go to this girls mum and tell her that they need to find her daughter as she may be at risk. After hours of talking to the mum, she admits that she was the daughter!! When the police look at her computer they find hundreds of pictures of her daughter, ones that this girl doesn’t even know that these pictures are being taken! There are ones of under her skirt!
It made me feel sick. How can women take indecent pictures of her daughter? She didn’t even get cautioned or anything. This woman caused a death, it’s horrible

It's just made me think so much. I don’t even know why it’s made me feel like this. Maybe because it is a little close but like earth how can people actually do this?